Babies vs Elderlies.
In your opinion what are the major similarities between babies and elderlies ?
I can think of ONE ! HELPLESSNESS !
Picture Source : Here.
Continue reading if you want to know what I want to talk about…
In fact, this post is inspired by Alvin Lim post on Let’s not forget the old ones.
Our health care system is getting better and better and our elderlies are living longer than ever before. The age group above 80’s is the fastest growing age group in America. One of the reasons is people are having less children and the other reason is our elderlies are living longer.
So more and more elderlies are living in institutions than their own homes. One of the many reasons are their children could not take care of them, they have their own lives to take care of. Their careers might not allow them time to take care of their age parents. The institution such as nursing home is the solution.
With woman right movement, more and more women are putting their babies to day care centers because they do not want to miss out the best part of their lives. Those years are the make or the break years. They wantto achieve the good things in life. They send their babies to day care as soon as their maternity leaves are up. Some who have more money can afford maids or nannies so they can go out and have someone take care of their babies so they can pursue their careers.
Do you think what doesn’t kill someone makes the person stronger ? In this instant, what does not kill the babies or elderlies will make them stronger ? Do you think the logic has a flaw or otherwise ?
This is a very controversial topic and I don’t write this to judge anyone. Everyone of us has our own rationals and reasons. I think we can only give an answer for our own rational and not for other people because we don’t wear their shoes and we don’t know what their circumstances are.
But, I like to hear from all of you, male or female readers !
I am not a 100% stay home mother neither I am working full time. And this topic is close to my heart.
Here in Malaysia, maids are cheaper than day care. Who takes care of JJ when you’re at work?
Well, in any case, I was reading that phrase where you asked by citing the “helpless” group ages: “In this instant, what does not kill the babies or elderlies will make them stronger ?” At first glance, it pulls at some guilt strings, the thought of a helpless old lady or little baby ’surviving’ at institutions. But then again, yes, I do stand by that statement I made. It doesn’t make it right, though. It doesn’t ease the guilt of a parent or a child whose child or parent is being cared for by others because of their own selfish reasons. But there was nothing wrong about that statement about survival and strength. My thoughts in a nutshell at the moment. I’m sure I have more, but the coffee isn’t really working.
nowadays couples married, not all would like to have child. Yet most of them are tight up with work and different lifestyle, want more freedom and travel, want less hassle, enjoy life without any kid around them. the highest educated ppl, the chances to have more kid is slimer, their desires in life and work are tend to be stronger, living standard is growing higher.thus, some people not even wan to get marry or hardly to get a match. the elderlies are aging around the would, elderlies become more than youngster soon if we stop producing babies. besides, female population is surplus in the market, female will tend to have difficulty to find a male bachelor sometimes. hm..it becomes so out of perspective
Cirnelle,
After 3 mths of my maternity leaves, I left him with a nanny, then it did not work out. I then found a baby sitter. Sitter worked out quite well.
After I gone back to work and left him with the sitter, he got sick a lot (running nose, fever etc), there were 5 babies at the sitter place. His ped (baby doctor) talked to me a lot on the importance of 1st 2 years of baby lives. I did not read a lot about this so I ignore him for a while. But, I did think about what he tell me a lot. Then I decided that might be I should stay home for 2 years. So I did. I went to school at night. His dad took care of him when I was at school.
When he was 3, I went to day school because he was old enough to go to pre-K. (Here I think the government pre-k school hrs is 7 to 1pm , then they are home but for private school, the hrs is from 7 to 6pm.)
We are working on home schooling him once I finish school. At the moment, I only work 4hrs a week (Sat afternoon when his dad is at home). When I finish school, I intend to work 2 days.
We probably will let him go to a private school which is 3 on 2 off, that is to say, he goes to school 3 days and we home school 2 days. (my working day will fall on the days he goes to school and I will be off when he is at home).
When I get to the hang of things about home schooling, I might home school him completely.
We are fortunate that it works out well for us. So far, JJ had been taken care of by outsiders for 5months when he was a baby.
In fact, there are a lot of articles on the women magazine here about a lot of career women struggles between career and stay home. I think here it is a bigger issue because most family here is nucleus family (grandparents live thousand of miles away) and not having a lot of family support (Malaysia might be going that direction too as we see bigger cities are where more jobs are available and most of the old people are left in smaller cities or towns).
Compounding with the teenage issues of drugs, violence and etc… Many parents knew about the teens problems. I think a fear that most parents do not want face – how their teenagers will turn up !
As I said it is a very tough subject. I like the kind of works that I do and my field has helped me a lot in my family medical issues (from my own family to my in law, and my own parents).
Since I am so far away from my parents. Now my bro is the one who take care of them. We hire one of our relative to come by each day to be with them. But then how about when my dad passed on (he has stage 4 brain tumor), where is my mom going to go ? At first, she said she wanted to come to US, now she changed her mind, and she won’t want to go to my sis or my bro place. She said she want to stay on her own. In fact, all these things worry me sometimes but I just have to take one day at a time, sigh.
And it is not only parents, how about in law. My father in law said he will go to nursing home but I told him I prefer him not to and has asked him if he would consider relocating to Florida. He said he would think about it and would consider it as an option. I was thinking if he lives near us, at least I can look over his medication. And if we could not attend his physical needs , we might be able to get some home health care aid to come at home.
There is no easy answer to this question. If everyone of us is honest, we know our own answer to this question, right ?
Jamy
Cirnelle,
I know that I gave a lot of rationals to justify my decision.Tell you, I can fool everyone in the world but not God lah.
In fact, I knew I am selfish too ! I still have that part of me (the flesh (opp. as spiritual) and selfish part) that love to do things I enjoy ! The I and the ME part.
Yes, I have guilt too. Sometimes I wonder would JJ send me to a part time nursing home when I am old ?
:).
One of my siblings decided long time ago that baby is not in the equation of being a career captain. So that is the decision that had been made even before marriage.
I think every decision we make in life, there is a price tag. Don’t you think so ? There is no free ride on this world.
When I got home from my 1 year back pack round the world trip, I was broke. I had to start from square one at 30 years old
:). At times I looked at some of my classmates who already married, had a home, had a car, I felt kind of sad . But then that moment did not stay for too long, I was upbeat again 
:). I psycho myself that I was glad I did what I did 
:).
Jamy
jochoo,
Thanks for dropping by and commented.
Yes, there are a lot of people opt not to have children after marriage. One of my siblings has opted not to.
.
When I was in Australia. I told one of my coworkers (who was kind of my best buddy) when I got married one day, I am not going to have baby.
He looked at me like I was an alien. He said why got married when you didn’t want children. I said why not ?
He said the main purpose of getting married was to carry on the next generation. He said what a waste of sperms and eggs without offspring.
I laughed so hard on his statement. In fact, I nearly chocked cos I was drinking coffee while we were talking.
He was from Lebanon. I did not realized they value family a lot and they are very close knitted community.
His values, his belief to me at that time was so old fashion and bizarre. I thought was he from another planet or what ? And likewise, he probably thought I was from another planet. Our work cubicle was next to one another. When we talked, we argued
But now when I looked back and remembered what he told me, I thought wow, a lot of what he said was so true.
If a society is stripped of family value, what do you think it is left with ?
Are we no different from robot without family ?
I am getting more and more old fashion (if you want to think of it that way). Most people think of Americans as being very liberal but I suppose I live in a more traditional part of America
. Most people whom I mix with have such a strong family value 
. And I married an old fashion man, I suppose 
. Good , bad ? You decide 
:):).
Jamy
There is a trend here I’ve noticed. People my age are either just getting married or just starting a family. They always start off with the mentality that only they would raise their own child. Their maids would do the housework but the mothers would want full contact with the child. And then, the reality of a 9 to 5 and the lack of home-based work kicks in. Their logic would then shift toward getting a family member to chip in. It’s usually the grandparents (because somehow, one of them is either not working or both of them are retired).
It that fails, or in some cases, should the grandparents refuse, they go for day care. Currently, that costs around RM650 per month with RM10 per every 15 minutes late in picking up. To save cost, they then opt for a live-in maid from Indonesia/ Philippines. Since Filippino maids have won more rights such as Sundays off to go to church and higher pay (approximately RM650-ish as well), it’s now down to Indons or Myanmarrians. Those range between RM400-ish per month (minus agency and immigration costs of course).
They always seem to go on that direction, the decisions of those of my age group. The current local system does not provide for any proper incentive that life would be at least be at a respectable standard should one parent choose to stay at home and raise the kid(s) full time. Meanwhile, children’s clothing, so called “necessities” and toys get more and more expensive because they are mostly imported.
So, the way Malaysia’s young families resort to this line of reasoning, “Because I want the best for my child and the best requires money, I have no choice but to be the second source of income in this family.” In the end, if we were to properly assess this, we always make decisions with our own convenience in mind first, others later.
Cirnelle,
I think I would do the same if I am in that situation because I do not know any better.
When we look at the best, for eg. a lot of my friends who are in their mid or late 40’s, their children are into college age (might be last 2 years of high school), mom would go to Aust or NZ to supervise their kids or take care of their daily needs so the children can concentrate in their school works. The 2 adults believe that is the best for their families.
When you look carefully at the logic, is it the best ?
I think if you really look at history, we Chinese has that tendency of for the family sake mentality. Many of our great great grandpa (or great grandpa) came to Nanyang to seek fortunes and left their families behind and they thought they would go back to China to bring their wives or children to Nanyang.
Some did but many did not. Some brought their wives to Nanyang but they also had 1 wife and family in Nanyang. The rest is history lah, you don’t need me to explain.
So now history is unfolding on my generation and yrs. The decision my generation and your generation made will unfold in the history to come.
I would have loved to stay home the first 2 years of Olivia’s life. However, life does not permit me to do so. We simply could not survice on one income alone.
Where I live, daycare or nanny cost about the same and we are not sure if we want a stranger to be in our house when we are not in.
I envy the women who are financially secure and are able to choose not to work.
It would be interesting if there is a study on kids behavior growing up with their maid, their grandparents and their own parents. I just know that my nephews are very naughty when they are with their grandparents and parents, but well behave when they are in their baby sitter’s house. Some people just have a better way to bring up a child. Fabien thinks that if a child grows up with his grandparents, what he learns will be something from the last generation, not the current generation like with the parents.
BE,
That is very interesting thought : ” It would be interesting if there is a study on kids behavior growing up with their maid, their grandparents and their own parents”
Hooi Imm,
I totally understand that : “I would have loved to stay home the first 2 years of Olivia’s life. However, life does not permit me to do so. We simply could not survice on one income alone.”
Thanks for this wonderful post. I think the word “helplessness” relate so well to both the babies & the old people. My eldest brother is facing the most difficult times of his life now fighting with cancer. I look at him & he is really helpless. His life is in the hands of the doctor now. There is nothing we could do to make him fully recover. We can only pray to God to make him suffer lesser & complete his journey.
Janice Ng
Janice,
Thank you for dropping by and commented.
I know exactly how you feel about your brother.
I visited Malaysia at the end of 2006. My intention is to visit my mom who is a lupus patient (thought this might be the last that I saw her), I brought along my son whom she has never met. We had a wonderful time together.
At the end of Jan, I received an email from my bro that my dad was diagnosed as having stage 4 brain tumor. It really shocked all of us because my dad has been so healthy all his life. He is a Tai Chi instructor.
In fact, I am very certain that if my dad has been in the states, his prognosis can be better. I am sure they would diagnose him earlier.
I worked with cancer patients a lot. Many of my patients have colon cancer, they are still alive after 25yrs post cancer. The docs took away their colons and do a colon bag for them (outside of their bodies). It is amazing that most of the case I see here in the US memang mati case in Malaysia. The health care here is amazingly advance. I have friends who are post breast cancer victims who are still kicking and running after 10,20, 30, years.
Cancer is not terminal if you diagnose early.
Yes, I am an advocate for baby and elderly people because helplessness is really not a fun thing ! When you are so old that you cannot even put pull up your balls, it is very humiliating and you need special kind of people with special kind of tender heart to care for you.
Jamy
Jamy, I love this post, it makes me think a lot about Tristan and me, my career and things I like to do, all over again
I am another old-fashion lady who treasure family values, and enjoyed seeing Tristan playing with his grandparent whenever they have a chance. They take care of Tristan now, with assistance from maid, and I want to do the same for them when they need help later in life.
Thks Bee,
I felt the same too.